ridiculously metaphorical

First of all, I wonder if its possible that we are all experiencing cyber menstrual synchrony? It seems that we are all getting moody and depressed at the same time lately. And then drama erupts. And then someone says that they are leaving. And within a week or so, we all seem to be ok for a while.

Either that or we are all sympathetically depressed for each other.

I have had a bad few days. (No, I am still not on my medication, I am arguing with the insurance.) Not severely bad, but enough that it makes me angry. I have good reason for my bad days, so it's not like I am just in a pit of despair for no good reason, but still. (We have had some pretty bad family accidents over the last few days, but I am not wanting to share that right now.)

I had to miss work yesterday because I still haven't found a sitter for my days off. I keep getting leads on people, but things go wrong. Yes!! They take kids one day a week!! .... Turns into "NO! We have a waiting list. We can fit Colby in.... Let's see... Around 2022. Unless we get a cancellation, of course. We will add you to the list."

And it's not just that. (This is where the ridiculous metaphor comes in.)

When I have days like today, I don't like to look on the bright side. That Mary Poppins spoonful-of-sugar bullshit is for the birds. I don't want to consider how much worse things could be. I like to dwell on it until I feel good and shitty.

So at these times, I like to pretend that my life is a sandcastle. Everything is great. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there are little crabs playing hide and seek around my moat, and people standing around admiring how well it all fits together.

And then the tide comes in. Waves are crashing at my little castle, washing away my moat and windows and towers. I can stand in front of the castle, and protect part of it, but not all of it. Water is still going to seep between my ankles and damage parts of my house. For a bit, I try to fix it. There went the north side! Lets slap some sand up there and shape it up and lets put a window here and... OH CRAP! While I was working on the north side, I missed the wave that hit the south! Hurry! Hurry! Lets fix that... oh no! The only way to protect the whole thing is to lay down in front of it and cry. And by that time, the structure is so weakened by attack that the whole middle is falling down around me. No matter how hard I try to scoop all the sand back up, I can't seem to get the castle back together.

On days like today, I feel like no matter how stretched out I am, I can't protect the whole castle. I have built my castle too big or something. Stretched myself too thin. No matter what I do, no one is happy with me. My boss wants me more, my kids want me MUCH more, my husband wants me more, my house needs much, much more than what I have left at the end of the day, I volunteered for some stuff that I don't have time to carry through, I can't seem to keep up the contacts with my friends that I need so much, and there is never, ever, ever, ever enough money to pay the bills. I am tired of asking Peter to borrow some money from his uncle AND grandmother so that I can pay Paul, Ringo, John, and George. So what do I do now?

And if the castle metaphor doesn't work, we could try... pie. Let's say that I am one nice, fresh... Key Lime Pie. Not everyone likes Key Lime pie. Some people hate it. Key Lime pie is sour, and sweet. And crusty. You can put whipped cream on it. Just not meringue please. Who wants scrambled eggs on their pie?

So I have this pie, see. And I have to cut my boss a huge piece, because he pays me. I cut the kids a small piece each. And then Marty wants a piece. And my family. And the bills, and the filthy house. And the mouse that won't die wants some too.

Now I am sitting here with no pie. Why can't I have some pie? I have been good. It was my pie to begin with. I bought the damn thing! And I didn't even get to enjoy it.

Awwww, forget it.