La Quinta is Spanish for "Overpriced Pile of Crap!!"

We took a tiny little family vacation this week. We actually went to Memphis to meet a friend of mine that I met on the internet. I have done this so much lately that my family probably wouldn't even blink if I said I was going to meet a guy I met on an internet predators website. "Have a good time!!" they would say, waving happily.

Elizabeth had never stayed in a hotel before, and to her, that was the end all, be all of vacationing. I am talking about a girl that will not miss The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, and who has watched Eloise about 57 times in the last month. I told Marty that for once, I don't want to stay in a crapper hotel, that I wanted her to have a spectacular time in a cool hotel.

First of all, we drove into Memphis at 1AM. (We have found that it is much easier with kids to drive at night.) I had my Mapquest list of three-or-more star hotels, with pools and continental breakfasts. Sadly, Mapquest also SUCKS because we could not find any of the hotels on my list.

We ended up past the main part of Memphis and found a block full of hotels. Marty insisted on staying near the interstate, because he was afraid of crack dealers. I don't know why crack dealers don't deal near the interstate, but apparently it is written in the Crack Dealers Handbook. "Whatever you do, stay away from the interstate."

I pointed out a Marriott, and the La Quinta. The La Quinta actually looked nicer from the outside than the Marriott, so Marty went in there. He came back and told me how much it would cost, and I winced, but smiled and said that was fine. He comes back a few minutes later and said my credit card was denied. I blew up because I just paid that damn thing off, actually OVERPAID it off by $100. Therein lied (? layed??) the problem. I took it to Shreveport gambling with my dad for father's day, and used it for gas. Apparently when someone who only buys groceries and gas for 3 years tries to use a card in two different states in the same week, someone gets suspicious. A call to the company, and we had a hotel room.

We get to our room, and there is one light switch that operates every light in the room. You can have lights "on" or you can have lights "off". With two little kids, that sucks. Then, every hotel I have ever stayed in, had a separate sink-and-coffee-pot area... Not this one. Your sink is in the bathroom, and so is your coffee pot. Maybe that is how Memphisonians do it... take a poop and make coffee at the same time... Ick. Not only THAT but there were no real cups... only paper. Not even environmentally un-friendly Styrofoam... just paper. And right above the coffee pot with the 2 ounce paper cups was a sign that "boasted" that La Quinta was Spanish for "Environmentally friendly!! A trillion gallons of water are used each day to wash sheets and pillowcases that were only used one time! Therefore, at La Quinta, if you are staying more than one day, we will not wash your sheets unless you request it!! Go Environment!!" Guess what La Quinta?? You fucked it up with the paper cups. NOT environmentally friendly. And I don't like them either.

Ok, so they had a cool pool. And a cool hot tub. And referencing said "hot" tub, cool is the operative word. I even let my kids swim in it. Besides THAT, the pool and hot tub are indoors, which we wanted, but the ventilation SUCKED.

I have to take a verbal detour here... Back when I was 17 and stupid, I cleaned an enclosed shower with straight bleach. I didn't know any better. I stayed in there an hour, before I started puking and dying. I should have probably gone to the hospital, but as I said... young. stupid. I was in bed for nearly two days with a migrane, throwing up and generally wishing to die. Since that day, I am very oversensitive to the smell of bleach and chlorine. One whiff and I get a headache and get sicky feeling. We don't even buy bleach. So it may not be all La Quinta's fault, but still. I want to blame them.

After and hour of swimming with the kids, I had a splitting headache. Of course, I am the most unorganized person in the world, so I had no pain medication. "No problem." I think. There is another sign in the bathroom. "La Quinta is Spanish for 'We got you covered!' If you are in need of any toiletries or necessities that you left at home, please just inquire at the front desk." (In case you are getting the feeling that the bathroom is starting to look like Times Square, you are correct. There is also a sign telling me how much everything in the room costs in case I would like to steal something. And another sign that tells me that dirty towels go on the floor and clean ones need to be hung back up. And a sign that tells me that hygenically, it is best to wipe from front to back... ok, I am kidding about that last one.)

So I ride the elevator back down to the lobby, with visions of Tylenol PM floating in my head. I walk up to the front desk and I say, "Would you happen to have any aspirins or tylenols?"

The desk clerk looks at me like I asked for a vial of heroin and a spoon. "NOOoooo" he replies, rather rudely, and just stands there... waiting.

I feel like I have to say something, so I manage to stutter out, "oh.. um... the sign.. Spanish for Got you Covered, in the bathroom?? Said... you might have stuff... here. Like aspirin. I forgot my aspirin. (mama always said, life is like a box of chocolates... run, Forrest, run)"

"We have toothpaste." he replies, like I am the worlds biggest idiot.

OH!! TOOOOOOTHPASTE. ok. That's it?? Is TOOTHPASTE the only possible necessity that a traveler might need?? I mean, yeah, you can clean your teeth with it, and supposedly can dry up a zit, so really, WHAT ELSE COULD YOU NEED??? Fricken toothpaste.

So, I went to bed with a headache.

Next complaint: Big sign outside, "INDOOR POOL AND HOT TUB!! HUGE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST!!"

Huge: eggs, bacon, dry cereal, and bread. That's it. Drinks? Coffee, apple juice.

Bathroom in the lobby? One toilet, door does not lock. Bathroom in our room? Door does not lock.

I don't ask for much, and I am generally pretty easy to please. If this had been a $50 hotel room, I would not be bitching... as much. I mean, a $50 hotel room, I would expect paper cups, and no aspirin. But seriously, for what I paid for two nights in this hotel room, we could have stayed one night in the Peabody for crying out loud. The fricken PEABODY.

I bet they have aspirin.