Calgon... what the hell happened to us??

My favorite thing in the world used to be to climb into a hot bubble bath, candles all around, with a good book. I could lay in there for hours, until I was pruney and chilled, and then would just run more hot water. I dreamed of a day that I would have a garden tub, with plenty of room for more candles, and a nice ledge to rest my neck on while I read.

I never got my garden tub. In fact, I got a microtub, with an overflow drain set so far down into the tub that I have a supply of thin washcloths whose only purpose is to be shoved into the drain hole, so that I can fill the tub enough to cover my body. It is also built into the wall, so that my feet are crammed up against one wall, and my head is crammed up against the other. Real relaxing.

But the point is, I don't even care. I can't relax anymore. I have good intentions, and I will get in, but I can't quite ignore the outside world.

I gave up the candles long ago. Too much trouble. Also, I never remember to buy bubble bath, or I am too cheap. So I usually use shampoo. I tried the other night to use body wash, not thinking until it was way too late that it was the exfoliating kind. It was like taking a bath in grit.

Then, I have the immediate decision of "Door: open, or closed?"

Door Open means only one thing: There WILL be children in there with me.

And "With Me" means one of two things:

a) Literally WITH ME, meaning that they both run in giggling, and stripping. Against my protests, (because obviously, "...mom is joking! Who wouldn't want to take a bath with US? We are so fun!!") they will climb in, and then Elizabeth will complain about how hot the water is, and look how red her legs are already! And Colby will just stand there saying, "hot. hot. hot. hot. hot. hot. hot. hot" and gestulating madly about how he couldn't possibly sit down in the fiery pits of hell that I call a bath, until I sigh heavily and run cold water.

b) They will both be in the room, Elizabeth telling one million stories about her life, and how she hopes her life will turn out or, most recently, reading her latest poem, (Spaghetti Oh spaghetti you are yummy, You are yummy in my tummy, I could eat you all day, I could eat you all night, I could eat you tomorrow, I could eat you tonight. I could eat you forever, spaghetti), while Colby starts tossing all the bath toys, and many things that aren't bath toys, in the tub for me to play with while I relax.

Door Closed means that most of the time Colby will be outside the door, knocking and crying, and Elizabeth will be yelling at him to "GROW UP!! MAMA WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!! SHE IS TAKING A BATH!!" which is generally followed closely by, "OWWWWW!!! COLBY!!!! THAT HURT!!!!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!" and more screaming. Because even though Marty promised to keep them happy and keep an eye on them, he really meant, "Sure honey! Take a bath!! I am on the internet and drinking a beer, and I really don't care what you do because the real world has melted away."

I try putting my ears under the water. It doesn't work. I can still hear muffled cries and bangs, and I still know that Marty isn't watching them. I try singing, but it is hard to sing and read at the same time. Plus, the water is too hot and I am having a hot flash. I just can't relax.

So I get out. And the kids act like I have been on a Jamaican vacation. "MOOMMMYYYY IS OUT!!! HI MOMMMYYYYY!!!" Hugs all around.

Besides, I can always read at bedti... oh wait. No I can't. Because the kids are in bed with me and won't go to sleep with the light on....

But wouldn't my life be empty and boring without them? Yes, it would. Really. I mean it.