an inexplicable urge to climb the water tower

Ok, I am going to admit something else. This whole IQ test business has really thrown me for a loop. I never remotely entertained the notion that I was of near-genius levels. But I did consider myself somewhat intelligent. Must I now face that I am not?

I thought the IQ test was a great idea. In fact, I believe that I was one of the first to proclaim, "HECK yea! Let's all take a test to measure our intelligence! And then lets compare the scores to see who is the smartest!! What fun!" and then I believe that I even said something to the effect of, "I will post my scores no matter what they are! YAY for IQ tests!"

HA!!!

That was before I knew that I had the intelligence of a blind garden rat. I assumed, incorrectly, when I proclaimed that I would post my scores no matter what, that my scores would be somewhere in the middle masses. I hoped for a 138, but would gladly settle for a 125. Or a 120. No big deal. I never remotely considered that I would have the lowest score posted. Or NOT posted as the case may be!!

This is the saddest part of the whole story. Brace yourself, and prepare to feel pity for me. I wanted to insure the best score possible, so I didn't take it Thursday afternoon with the rest of the group. I am not a good afternoon person. I attribute it to the blood sugar drop after lunch. I get restless and have a hard time concentrating. So I got up EARLY Friday morning, and drove to work 30 minutes before opening time. I sat leisurely at my desk, drank my morning frappe, and began. The office was quiet, and I had plenty of concentration time. I took the test under the best possible circumstances, and felt pretty good about my academic performance.

Then, a few minutes after completing the test, my little "You have new mail, would you like to read it?" banner popped up, I eagerly punched the "YES!" button. You bet your bippy I want to read it!! I have some posting to do!! When I excitedly clicked to open the "YOUR IQ TEST SCORE!!!" email, and saw the score that was there, I literally did the "double-take-eye-rub-look-closer" reaction that is so often used in the cartoons. Those numbers remained unchanged. "How can this be? Am I really this unintelligent? Why hasn't anyone informed me?"

Now, to my credit, there was a lot of math on the test. When it comes to math, I am of sub-level intelligence. I willingly and unabashedly admit that. I blame this on my mother. She used to tell me in grade school, "Just wait until you get to junior high, and start taking algebra. It's impossible. I never figured it out. And don't expect me to help you figure it out either." I think she set up some subconscious blocks in my head with her simple words so that, when the time came, and Mrs. Ratliff put that first equation on the board, "X + 1 = 3" ... my mind went on a hiatus until the next class. I completely could not grasp it. I failed Algebra that year. I failed Algebra the next year. The year after that, we moved to Seattle and I was weary of failing Algebra so I took Geometry. I made an "A".... both semesters. See, these were shapes, not letters, and my mom had never taken Geometry and therefore had set up no short circuits in my brain.

See, it is her fault!

To this day, if you present me with anything other than common math, or without a $ sign in front of the numbers, an odd thing happens. Within seconds, my eyes glaze over. Soon, my mouth goes slack. If you were able to hear inside my head, you would hear the Muzak version of St. Elmo's Fire. It's not merely an issue of not quite understanding... It is utter and complete uncomprehension. It's like you have suddenly tossed me into an aboriginal tribe meeting. And told me to figure out what they were saying, or be thrown into the volcano. It's just not going to happen. I can only hope that it is an inactive volcano.

So, I am not smart. Maybe the best I can hope for is a Forrest Gump-type existence, where simple phrases that escape from my mouth can be interpreted as deeply spiritual and meaningful by those of greater intelligence. I will become a mascot for the ages.

And thats all i got to say 'bout that.