I just feel like I need to say that. Before I knew my little fetus had a penis, I knew he was a girl. I just knew it. I told everyone that I was going to have 3 girls, no boys. I had the same caliber of morning sickness that I had with Elizabeth. I lost the same amount of weight (14 pounds) in the first 3 months as I did with her. I craved the same foods.
When we went for my ultrasound, Marty and Elizabeth crowded around me, expectant. I had convinced them I was carrying a girl too. Elizabeth and I had been calling my stomach "Shelby Francis" for 2 months. "Little Shelby is 3 inches long this week!!" I would show her the pictures in Your pregnancy week by week. "This is what Shelby looks like now!" I even bought her an outfit.
The ultrasound tech asked "Would you like to know what you are having?" She is the same woman who told me I was pregnant with a little girl 4 years before.
"Yes!!" We all say. "Well, if you will look right here, you will see your baby's little penis!"
MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS??? HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO HAVE THAT TAKEN CARE OF???
I burst into tears. The tech thought it was tears of happiness. "Yes, yall are going to be such a cute little family!!" Marty knew I was mourning the death of my dream. No sisters sharing secrets in the night. No matching gap dresses for christmas. No ladybug nursery that I already had secretly started on. No pink walls. No saying "When my girls were little...." or "GIRLS!! You're going to be late!!"
On the way home, Marty says "Why don't we stop and buy our son something?" I start to cry again. I don't want to. But we stop at Walmart, and we look and look. Boys stuff. Cars. Dinosaurs. Monster Trucks. Spiderman. Spongefrickingbob. I felt sick. I finally decided on a fluffy blue blanket with a little elephant on it. I didn't know what else to buy. I know pink. I know flowers. I know butterflies. I know bows.
Obviously, I adjusted. When people would ask me what I was having, I would sigh and say "a boy." in a flat voice. I got better with time. And of course, the excitement towards the end got to me.
I went in for my scheduled c/s on a Monday morning. Terrified. Shaking. I go into surgery, Marty right beside me, rubbing my shoulder. The doctor is talking about the Triple Crown while he is carving me up like the turkey that I am. Everyone gets quiet after a few moments and I start to worry. What is going on down there? My doctor kind of chuckles, and says "We are having a little trouble... your baby is enormous." I hear the baby start to cry and I start to cry too. My whole stomach is vibrating with his cries. Finally, I feel the rush of fluid and the collapsing of my stomach. "Good Lord!! What a big boy yall have!!" my doctor laughs. He holds him up for me to see, and he is FAT.... and RED.... and PISSED. And beautiful. And all mine. I made that 10 pound, 5 ounce, boy with a penis.
Now I look at his little chubby face and feel shame for who i was. I love him more than i ever thought I could. He is a boy. He likes to wrestle and laugh and be tickled. He likes to dance, and fake sneeze for attention. He likes to pull out all the video tapes and stack them. He likes to swim, so much that he crawls out over his head and has to be rescued. He will splutter and cough - never cry - and then laugh, and head right back out to the deep water again. He eats everything he can get his hands on. Every single morning for breakfast he has a banana, a muffin and a huge bowl of oatmeal. He is slower than his sister was in reaching his milestones. He still isn't walking at nearly 15 months. But I don't care about milestones. I just care that he is in my family. That he is my son, Elizabeth's brother. My son. My daugher.
I have never covered him up with that blue fluffy blanket. Inside of that blanket are the remnants of a bratty woman who wasn't thankful for what she was given. In that blanket are sour threads of bitterness. It is woven with sadness, and guilt. But I keep it in the bottom of his blankey basket. To remind me that life isn't always what you plan. Sometimes its better than you could have ever imagined.
"KIDS!! You are going to be late!!!"
Sound beautiful, doesn't it? I can't wait to say it a million times.
7 comments:
You gave me goosebumps. I can't believe how big he was! You are a good writer!
That was so sweet. I had a girl in May 2004 and i was like you, i wanted a girl. I would have accepted a boy, but i really wanted to do fairies and butterflies and dress her up pretty.
I'm glad you are now thankful for your boy. He is beautiful! Maybe next time, I'll have a boy and already know that it will be great.
I agree w/previous comment, you are a VERY good writer!
You are so sweet! I am welling up. I want all girls too. I wonder if God will let me hold the reins or not?
You girls are too sweet! I have felt such guilt about those days for the last year, that i decided to let it out. Bub was in the bathtub last night and I was folding laundry, and he would climb out, crawl to his room, get a toy and take it back to the bathtub. And climb back in. And laugh at his ingeniousness. And at that moment, it just hit me how big he is getting. And made me think back to those days. WWWAAA!!
Nat---That was beautiful. Truly. And what a lovely reminder to be thankful for the blessings right in front of us.
--QDSB
That was amazing, Natalie! I have been trying for 14 mos. now to sum up my feelings about having a girl instead of a second boy. You did it perfectly. This is amazing & what I aspire to have my blog be like.
Love ya & miss chatting with ya!
~Kellee
I was so sure that my twins were going to be girls...that I would be the mother of all girls...I could not relate to raising a boy, yet it has become such an unexpected joy to have one!! Beautifully written and so so true!!
Always,
Angel
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