"Local Man Begins Painful Recovery"*

A local man was admitted to a local hospital this morning and promptly underwent surgery for what seems to be a purposeful act by his wife.

Mr. Marty was admitted to Local General with a women's size 8 dress boot partway up his rectum, which had to be removed, sources at the hospital confirm.

A reporter spoke with his wife, Natalie by phone this morning, and she seemed to be greatly agitated by her husband, and completely unconcerned that he was in surgery.

"[expletive removed] him! I could care less. He infuriates me!" she told our reporter.

She went on to say that they had been having a discussion about who would pick up their minor child from school on Friday, when Natalie leaves for Las Vegas. According to Natalie, her husband asked if she had called an unnamed friend to pick up their daughter, and when she replied that she had not, he turned to her and said, "Don't you think you need to get on that, since you only have two days left? I think you have procrastinated long enough." She apparently replied to him, "If you are so concerned about when it gets done, why don't you call?" and he answered her with, "Because it is not my duty to handle the kids schedules."

Natalie said that she doesn't remember much after that, just being in a blind rage. "I got up at 5AM, cooked breakfast, washed all the dinner dishes that he DIDN'T do last night, then got the kids up and ready, while he wandered around the house like a [expletive removed] CAVEMAN, scratching his balls and yawning loudly. OH MY GOSH! He is LUCKY he only has a shoe up his [expletive removed]"

Our reporter talked to Marty a few minutes ago, and he was quoted as saying, "Me Fireman!! Big Trucks! FISH!! Fast Boat! Internet FUN!" while he pounded his chest.

*ok, so it really didn't happen. But it makes me feel good to type it.