I wanna be a dad!!

Ok, not really. I am getting ready for this trip, and it is a ton of work. Not only do I have to get my stuff washed and packed, all my paperwork in order, have everything caught up at my job, and make sure that my credit card is active, I also have to get everything ready for the kids.

Without a note on every surface to remind Marty that Colby must have his antibiotic every 12 hours, it will never cross his mind, and Colby will end up with pneumonia.

The kids are staying at my moms on Saturday night and going to church with her on Sunday, so I have to go ahead and pack their suitcases, too. (With a note taped on top to not forget the antibiotic that is in the fridge.) Because if I do not, Colby will end up at my moms with a diaper bag full of wipes and two diapers, and they will both have shorts and sweaters to wear to church.

I have to remember to put a check for Elizabeth's lunch next week in her backpack tomorrow after school, or she will get a note home about how we owe lunch money. I don't think Marty even knows that we have to pay for lunch.

I am purposely making sure that we run out of bread before I leave. Marty thinks that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are an acceptable meal... three times a day. (Of course, Elizabeth would be in heaven, because she thinks the same thing.) I am 98% sure that he will not attempt to go to the store "with both children...????" Oh the horror!!! I am pretty sure that he is pretty sure that it cannot be done.

I have already asked my mom to give them a bath on Sunday, because that would never occur to him either.

I wonder if I die, will he adapt?? Will he learn to do these things?? And I am aggravated at myself for enabling him to be lazy when it comes to childcare duties. He is GREAT at playing with them. He is just not good when it comes to general maintenance.

In fact, he keeps forgetting that I am leaving. I heard him on the phone the other night making plans to go fishing on Saturday. I poked him on the shoulder and made "I can't believe how dumb you are" hand motions. "Dammit!! I can't go!! I forgot my wife is going to be out of town!"

And then today at lunch he said, "I think I am going to Lake Greeson to visit dad tomorrow."

queue hand motions.

"What?? You aren't leaving until tomorrow night!!"

Frantic, spastic hand motions, coupled with dirty looks.

"Ummm.... I mean.... you aren't leaving... ummm... when are you leaving??"

Exasperated sigh. "Saturday morning. We are getting up at 3AM... remember??"

"Then I can definitely go to dads.... right??"

NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!

Tomorrow is my day. I am going to get a haircolor and I am going shopping by myself. I remind him of this for the 97th time. He is to pick up Elizabeth at school at 3pm, and then go get Colby. And then cook dinner. And then play with the children while I go to bed early for my flight...

I guess I maybe should be a little more specific...

Dear Marty:

Elizabeth is our daughter. She is the taller of the two children that reside in our house. Her bedroom is the last door in the hall. You will know it from all the polly pockets in the floor and the pink netting above the bed. Colby is not to play in Elizabeth's room.

Colby is our son, and the shorter of the two. He doesn't talk very well, so you may have to interpret his sign language. If he throws a cup at you, he is not being mean, he is just thirsty. His room the first one on the right. (Not the left, to the left is the Laundry Room... I know, that confused you, right? The Laundry Room is that room to the left that you may have never noticed before. It has two big white boxes in there. They are the magic boxes that get your clothes clean. Do not attempt to figure out the white boxes. Stick to rebuilding boat motors... the white boxes are way too complicated for you.)

Elizabeth (the taller one) goes to KINDERGARTEN. She knows where it is... if you get lost, just ask her for directions. She must arrive there at 7:50, and if you are late, you will have to go in and give a reason for your tardiness. Do not be late. There is a clock in the Durango. It is on the thing that plays our CD's.

Colby (the boy, you can determine this by checking his diaper... he has a penis. It is smaller than yours.) (must not make obvious joke here...) goes to daycare. He will cry when you take him in. This is normal. Do not panic. You must pack him a lunch. His lunch is already in the fridge, with his name (Colby) written on it. All you have to do is remember to put his lunch in the durango when you leave the house, and then take it to his teacher when you get to daycare. You will know who the teacher is because she is MUCH TALLER than all the other humans in the room. However, she will still be shorter than you. Do not let this fool you. Get down on your knees if you must to verify who the tallest one in the room is.

Both children, the boy and the girl, must eat three times (or more) a day. They are not like the fish that can apparently go for days with out food. Do not feed the children fish food.

Colby, the boy, wears diapers. You will have to "change" diapers. Instructions for changing diapers are on the changing table. (That is the big table in his room - the first room on the right.)

Elizabeth, the girl, is potty trained. She does not need help in the bathroom. It is ok for her to shut the door. I promise she is not cooking meth or going to flood the bathroom with shampoo if you leave her alone in the bathroom.

Colby has no reason to ever be in the bathroom. Ever. Keep this door shut, even when it is not in use.

Children need more sleep than you do. Their bedtime is 9:00. They get up early. You MUST get up when they do. This is non-negotiable. They cannot be allowed to roam unsupervised through the house. They will need to eat. (see above.) If you do not get up when they do, they could attempt to feed themselves. This is NOT GOOD. I have told Elizabeth to wake you up when she wakes up. Please listen to her....

See how complicated this is?? Maybe I should just stay home...?

Nahhhhhh!!