Conversations In Potty Training with Hardheaded Three Year Old Boy

I actually typed this out a few weeks ago for some friends and family. Most people think that we are just not trying hard enough to get our little precious pookie boy to use the potty. I welcome any and all suggestions, except for Dr. Phil's Potty Training in 10 Minutes or Less. (Dr. Phil - You may know relationships, but you don't know poo about potty training. I bet Mrs. Dr. Phil took care of all of that while you were out... doing whatever it is you did 20 years ago.)I told my friend Misty that I would share it here for you all. Enjoy. (Laughter at my expense is always welcome. *sigh*)

Conversation 1:
A few weeks ago, I hit a sale on big boy underwear at the Gap. (How cute are Gap drawers for boys???) One of the pairs in the pack featured a rocket that looked like the rocket on Little Einstein's. (A regular feature attraction around here... He has some Little Einstein's pj's that he INSISTS on wearing pretty much every night.) I bring them home and show them to Colby and he seems so excited. He carries them around for half the night, anyway. After his bath, I decide to try them on him, because the only size they had on sale was 2-3 years. Colby is lying on the floor, I slip the underwear on him and help him stand up... He looks down, grabs his boy-package and starts screaming:
Colby: GET DEM OFF OB MEEEEEEEE!!! NO NO NO NO!!! NO BIG BOY UNNERWEER!! NO NO!!
Me: Colby!! Calm down and let me look! Awwww!! Look how cute you are!!
Colby RIPS at the underwear like a Chippendale in training. His face is blood red and tears are literally spurting out of his eyes.
C: OFFFFF OFFF OFFFFF!! NOT COOT!! I WAN DEM OFFFFF!! I WAN MY CLUE CLUE DIAPER!!(Luvs brand diapers have Blue from Blue's Clues on the front.) WAN MY DIIIIIIAAAAAPPPPPERRRRRRR!!!
M: Ok!! Calm down! Just a second!!
C: NOW!! GET DEM OFFFFFF NNNOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!
He starts to hyperventilate. I get the underwear off, and get the diaper on. He stops crying, picks up his new underwear and throws them in the kitchen trash.
C: (Smiling) bye bye big boy unnerweer!! Bye bye!!

Conversation 2:
We decide that treats might work. We buy M&M's. When we got home that night, I called a meeting with Marty and Elizabeth while Colby was busy playing. I told them that for that night, anytime ANYONE needed to use the potty, we would ALL watch and make a big deal and that person would get M&M's. Elizabeth immediately decided she needed to pee. We all traipse into the bathroom and call Colby in, too.
M: Oh! Look at Beth!! She is pee-peeing in the potty like a big girl!! Lets all look at her pee!! It is so pretty and yellow!! Lets flush!! Bye Bye Pee! Elizabeth, you get three M&M's for going pee pee!! YAY!!
(Hands her three M&M's)
C: I wan emmy mem's!!
M: Then hop up on the potty!!
C: NO! No potty! Wan emmy mem's!
Dad: If you want an M&M you have to sit on the potty. One M&M for sitting on the potty, three for peepee, and FIVE for pooping on the potty!!
C: No!! No potty! Wan emmy mem!!
M: Then sit on the potty.
C: NO!!
M: Then no M&M.
Colby stands there for a moment, thinking.
C: I go eat banana.

Conversation 3:
That next Saturday, we were getting ready to go to my friend Jennifer's. I ran the kids bath water and called them into the bathroom to get naked. As I took off Colby's diaper, he started crying.
C: NO!! Put my diaper back!! I nee my diaper!
M: No Colby, it is bathtime. We can't wear diapers in the bathtub!
C: (holding his butt) I nee go poo poo!! I nee my diaper!!
M: OHHHH NO!!! If you need to poo poo, then go sit on the potty.
C: (still holding butt, starts screaming) I NEE POOP!! I NEE GO POOP IN MY DIAPER!!
M: NO!! Go sit on the potty!!
(I try to lift him on the potty and he clings to me like it is full of snakes and starts screaming hysterically. I put him down. He runs to his room, holding his butt and comes back with a clean diaper.)
M: NO! If you need to poop, then you sit on the potty! We ARE NOT putting on a clean diaper so that you can go poop!! Not!!
C: (Screaming) I. WAN. MY. DIAPER!! I. NEE. GO. POOP!!!!
M: Bud, you can poop in the potty or on the floor, but you are NOT getting a diaper.
Colby screams for another good 5 minutes, gives up and gets in the tub. Then he was constipated the rest of the night.

Conversation 4:
The day before his birthday, we were driving to school. I am feeling sad and nostalgic because it is the last day I will be taking my two-year-old to daycare.

M: Colby, tomorrow is your birthday!
C: My birt-day?
M: Yep!! You are going to be three years old!!
C: I free?
M: Yep, you are going to be three!! You are getting to be SUCH a big boy!!
C: (laughs) Nooooo! I not gone go potty!! I da baby!! (laughs again)

I am fully prepared to take him to kindergarten in Depends.